“Breast Is Best”
Breastfeeding a baby is by far the hardest thing I have ever done. For me it’s been harder than childbirth itself. At least labor was just one day and then it was done! I’m not writing this to scare any future mamas. Some women find it comes very naturally or their baby is excellent at nursing. I just want to share a bit of honesty because nobody really talks about what breastfeeding is like (at least to me they didn’t). So here’s a bit of what I’ve been struggling with...
We had a rough start with Ivan being in the NICU. He was immediately put on a feeding tube and given a pacifier and then was started on a bottle after coming off of the feeding tube. I don’t even think we got to give him his first bottle but those days are kind of a blur. And didn’t get to try breastfeeding him until he was three days old. I was okay with all of that because it meant he was fed and the NICU nurses saved his life. It was all necessary! But all of that has contributed (in my opinion) to Ivan not being great at nursing. He has only been able to successfully nurse without a nipple shield a handful of times. I mostly pump and bottle feed. I still try to breastfeed him when I’m home alone with him because when I pump and Josh isn’t here to help, Ivan always seems to wake up crying when I’m pumping. When I do breastfeed him I still mostly have to use the shield.
All of this is very exhausting. Even when we use the shield, Ivan doesn’t nurse long enough to really get full so he’s hungry every hour, sometimes every two. I feel like on the days I’m home with him I’m just constantly washing the shield and my Haakaa (a great product, ask me about it) and nursing all day long. It hurts.
Nights are not my favorite either. Even when Ivan sleeps a long stretch, by the time I get myself ready for bed, pump, and wash my parts it’s been an hour or more since he went to sleep so that’s an hour or more less than him that I get. And when Josh can get up and give Ivan a bottle, I still have to pump and then wash my pump parts in middle of the night. I don’t nurse him much at night anymore because he sleeps so much better when we give him bottles because he eats more. I have spent many nights longing to just be able to scoop my baby up, nurse him, and go back to bed without having to pump or wash a nipple shield or anything. Maybe we’ll get there one day but most days it feels like we never will.
Some days I really enjoy nursing Ivan and I feel so bonded to him. Some days I cry because all he’s done all day is cry and I can’t get him to nurse long enough. My whole breastfeeding journey has been a mental roller coaster. I’ve even had days where I felt like a terrible mother because I hate breastfeeding sometimes.
I love my baby boy. I love him so much it hurts. And I am very thankful for the fact that I even have a baby to try and nurse. But loving him does not mean I don’t struggle. I think most new mamas don’t talk about their struggles because they don’t want anyone to think they are ungrateful or that they don’t love their baby. I’ve had those thoughts myself. When people have asked how I’m doing I have responded with, “great!” when I really want to tell them that breastfeeding has been emotionally and mentally draining and I cried into my coffee yesterday.
I want to put it out there that I wholeheartedly support breastfeeding. But I also think that a mother’s mental health is equally as important as a fed baby. We give bottles at night because it’s better for my mental health. I’m a better mommy when I’m not getting frustrated or upset at my baby in middle of the night. We’ve also given him formula a few times when I couldn’t keep up with his demands or when I was emotionally exhausted.
So new mamas and soon-to-be mamas please hear this...
You don’t have to love every minute of it. It doesn’t mean you’re a bad mom or a failure if you get upset or you have a day where you hate breastfeeding. The only requirements you have are loving your baby and feeding your baby.
Please enjoy this photo of my chunky boy. He seems to be getting plenty to eat.
We had a rough start with Ivan being in the NICU. He was immediately put on a feeding tube and given a pacifier and then was started on a bottle after coming off of the feeding tube. I don’t even think we got to give him his first bottle but those days are kind of a blur. And didn’t get to try breastfeeding him until he was three days old. I was okay with all of that because it meant he was fed and the NICU nurses saved his life. It was all necessary! But all of that has contributed (in my opinion) to Ivan not being great at nursing. He has only been able to successfully nurse without a nipple shield a handful of times. I mostly pump and bottle feed. I still try to breastfeed him when I’m home alone with him because when I pump and Josh isn’t here to help, Ivan always seems to wake up crying when I’m pumping. When I do breastfeed him I still mostly have to use the shield.
All of this is very exhausting. Even when we use the shield, Ivan doesn’t nurse long enough to really get full so he’s hungry every hour, sometimes every two. I feel like on the days I’m home with him I’m just constantly washing the shield and my Haakaa (a great product, ask me about it) and nursing all day long. It hurts.
Nights are not my favorite either. Even when Ivan sleeps a long stretch, by the time I get myself ready for bed, pump, and wash my parts it’s been an hour or more since he went to sleep so that’s an hour or more less than him that I get. And when Josh can get up and give Ivan a bottle, I still have to pump and then wash my pump parts in middle of the night. I don’t nurse him much at night anymore because he sleeps so much better when we give him bottles because he eats more. I have spent many nights longing to just be able to scoop my baby up, nurse him, and go back to bed without having to pump or wash a nipple shield or anything. Maybe we’ll get there one day but most days it feels like we never will.
Some days I really enjoy nursing Ivan and I feel so bonded to him. Some days I cry because all he’s done all day is cry and I can’t get him to nurse long enough. My whole breastfeeding journey has been a mental roller coaster. I’ve even had days where I felt like a terrible mother because I hate breastfeeding sometimes.
I love my baby boy. I love him so much it hurts. And I am very thankful for the fact that I even have a baby to try and nurse. But loving him does not mean I don’t struggle. I think most new mamas don’t talk about their struggles because they don’t want anyone to think they are ungrateful or that they don’t love their baby. I’ve had those thoughts myself. When people have asked how I’m doing I have responded with, “great!” when I really want to tell them that breastfeeding has been emotionally and mentally draining and I cried into my coffee yesterday.
I want to put it out there that I wholeheartedly support breastfeeding. But I also think that a mother’s mental health is equally as important as a fed baby. We give bottles at night because it’s better for my mental health. I’m a better mommy when I’m not getting frustrated or upset at my baby in middle of the night. We’ve also given him formula a few times when I couldn’t keep up with his demands or when I was emotionally exhausted.
So new mamas and soon-to-be mamas please hear this...
You don’t have to love every minute of it. It doesn’t mean you’re a bad mom or a failure if you get upset or you have a day where you hate breastfeeding. The only requirements you have are loving your baby and feeding your baby.
Please enjoy this photo of my chunky boy. He seems to be getting plenty to eat.
I had a lot of trouble with breastfeeding too. It was not easy. I had to use a nipple shield for a long time, and then I was finally able to transition to not using it. I tried to nurse every time and then if she still seemed hungry, I would offer a little formula. This worked for us. I was eventually able to use less and less formula, until we didn't use any at all. I thought that it would be easier with Andy, and it was in many respects, but it was still hard. At one point he vomited blood. My blood. Yeah, pretty gross and scary. But we all made it through somehow. Whatever you can do to get through this time is great, so just do your best. :-) Someday it will all be a fuzzy memory. :-)
ReplyDeleteI don't know why it is labeling me as "unknown". Take care! Kalleen :-)
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