Where Am I Going?

When I graduated high school I wanted to be a youth pastor. When I started college I wanted to be an addictions counselor. Sometime after that I wanted to be a psychiatrist. Until I got a D in psychology. When I moved to VA I decided I was going to get a certificate in infant and toddler care and open my own daycare. And recently I’ve been debating whether or not to apply for the veterinary technician program at school. Even today as I was sitting with my two nanny kids at story time at the library, watching the lady lead songs and games, I thought, “I could be a teacher!”


The only thing I know for sure is that I want to be a stay at home mom some day. But what if that can’t happen?


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It’s going to be really hard watching my friends graduate next spring. Because all I can think is I should be graduating too. But instead I can’t seem to figure out what I want to do. It’s funny how at the time, I could be so sure that I wanted to be a youth pastor. And at another time be convinced that I was going to open a daycare. And yet here I sit having no specific desire and taking classes only two or three at a time because I don’t feel sure. Is there any degree I can get in being an addictions counseling veterinary technician who is a youth pastor and also owns a daycare? Ha. Ya right.


One thing I know is that I will finish school. My dad always told me it doesn’t matter how long it takes, as long as I finish.


It’s also really hard trying to find my place here in VA. All the people I have befriended all are several years out of college and have started their careers and I always feel so insecure being the young undecided college student trying to fit in. A year and a half later and I still have no idea what my purpose is here in Ashburn. In fact I thought I knew exactly what it was going to be! I was going to be the youth pastors wife. It was going to be exactly like the relationships I had seen between students and their youth pastors’ wives in youth group before me. But not all churches are the same, and I found out that there are very different dynamics that a church can have. I also found out that I don’t contribute as much to a middle school youth group as I thought I would. And that is just fine! Because I also found out that it is ok if I’m not at every single event, or Wednesday night. I have met some really wonderful youth pastor spouses who are such great support just from home. It has been so eye opening to learn that i can be so supportive to Josh’s ministry in so many other ways. It’s funny how you can have just one view of the ways things should be because of what you were taught once… and then see how well things can work when you learn that that is not the only way.


Not being 100% involved in the youth group, like I had believed I had to be, has given me a lot of room to try and figure out what I want to do. I’ve been able to focus on school and explore my options. And although I hate feeling so lost, I think things are working out just right. I try to be as supportive to Josh as I can, while letting him handle his ministry (since he is so much better at it than me!) and he is very supportive with my schooling.


And when I think back to how mad I used to be that I couldn’t afford to go to a university like Multnomah, I am so thankful now that that was the case. Because what would we two with TWO youth pastors in this household?! It is clear to me I was meant to go down the youth ministry path, just in a different way than I thought: walking hand in hand with someone who is already going down that path.


It’s funny how things work out, huh?


So I may not know exactly what I want to do yet. And people tell me that’s ok because I’m only 20. But sometimes it doesn’t feel ok. But as I said, it is funny how things work out. So maybe I will figure out what I want to do while on the path to something else. Who knows. Maybe I won’t figure it out at all. Or maybe one day I will just get to be a stay at home mom. But for now, I have no idea where I am headed.

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